Mitzi’s Happy

I don’t really have a place to put this experience that I’ve been through, so I’m putting it here.

I’ve been doing some heavy self-work for awhile. The details of that don’t really matter.

What does matter is that I’ve recently experienced something that I had all but lost hope that would happen, and that is that this one flashback that I’ve been living with has, for lack of a better explanation, gone back to the past where it belongs. I can no longer hear the sound of that event even if I try, my heart doesn’t race and I don’t feel the heaviness in the air or the overwhelming fear as if I were still there. It came into my thoughts and I didn’t have to strategize of what I needed to start doing to distract myself or protect myself from it.

To have this thing that’s been attached to you for forever just release you- it’s an amazing feeling. When I say I can’t explain it, it’s because I didn’t have a huge awakening moment. I wasn’t meditating, running, writing, riding, playing with dogs or doing self-care or therapy – things that I have been doing to keep myself moving and to work these things out of my life.

It was just a normal thought while I was doing some chores. It came in my head and it was in the past, and that was all. It simply left.

The work isn’t done. I’ve got some other flashbacks that can still get me. When people say it’s exhausting – let me tell you that I wish there was a stronger word than exhausting. To have your own thoughts attack you where the war is always there and you don’t know when the next attack is coming, so a lot of brain time is spent on the guess. And, oh- you’re fighting on both sides – and yeah- you’re spending a lot of time laughing and living a joyous life of purpose, which is epic until the next attack. When I was really in full battle, I can’t even begin to explain what that was like.

I’m 95% there. I’m glad that I’ve had this opportunity to have done this on my own, because it was something that I needed to do alone, to belong to myself and to figure out what that means.