Mitzi’s Happy

I get that given my whole thing here is “Mitzi is Happy” this post might seem to contradict it. It doesn’t.

I’m ready. I’m ready to be outraged and let it fuel me for a little bit, or as long as it needs to stay. I’m happy at my core, but there’s this thing inside me that needs to be seen and worked through. Rage.

Aimed at myself for not fighting harder for me. For ghosting myself. For living naively and with a level of denial that only someone who had turned against their own life could. Maybe there was a choice then, maybe not, that’s not the point.

I lost a lot of time being in the places and with people that didn’t want me. I’ve made the mistake of staying, I guess trying to make it work and giving away every part of me until I didn’t exist even to myself.

I’ve denied myself my outrage in the name of being in control, of trying not to feel because the feelings that I’ve had of grief have been so heavy I didn’t have room. I tried to live as still as I could while life crashed around me.

I don’t know that rage and happiness can’t coexist, my intention is to find out.