Mitzi’s Happy

My newfound cicada spirit animal journey has got me thinking and breathing new a new perspective into my life. I feel like talking now, and I am no longer concerned if anyone is bothered by the song I sing.

Today I watched a video of a girl who was calmly riding a horse as it bucked around. The caption said something like “when my friends ask how I can remain calm during this…” There was the slight pause followed by a single word: “disassociation”

I laughed as intended. Then I began to think about when I first got Thomas. The first time I got on him once we brought him back to the barn, he bolted as soon as I got on him. I had lost the reins and I remember the speed. I also remember not being worried. It was like I wasn’t there.

Then I think about those first few weeks of riding. There was a time where he was bucking and hopping around, doing his version of airs above ground. Mind you, I had just started cantering on my lease horse, so this should have frightened me.

I remember sitting there calmly. I had just told myself to just stay on, that’s all there was to it. But mostly, I remember not really being there.

And the following years, there was a lot of that feeling. I came off seriously a few times. In the moment my heart never beat faster, I didn’t have panic.

I was disassociating. And I can now look back and pinpoint over time events where I began to feel back in my body. The first time was a day that Thomas room off and I dropped the reins (there is a theme there) and knew I was going to come off and it was going to hurt. And I did, and it did. I could feel my heart racing, I was present for all of that.

But the real time was when I was riding a different horse for the first time. This horse was trained, and considerably safer than Thomas. But when I asked for the canter it scared the heck out of me. I was shaky scared.

I had been in much worse situations, it bothered me so much that this would be something that I would react so strongly to. Now I think it may be a sign that my nervous system is healing and starting to fire appropriately.

It’s interesting to me. And yes, it is a little funny and a lot amazing how the brain works to protect you.

Thomas has been out of work for another week nursing what I hope is a bruise on his hoof. I’ve used the opportunity to just love on him more. I can relate because my soul has had a bruise for years. Just like Thomas, not sure if it’s a day away from being gone or if it’ll be awhile longer. It’s getting better though, and that’s a lot.