Mitzi’s Happy

There was a switch in my life this year. I have been trying to pinpoint what it was- when I went from the process of unbecoming the things that weren’t me and no longer suited me, to becoming the person I am meant to be.

The world is, at times, literally brighter now. My house has become my home. Life has gotten beyond surviving and figuring it out. The deep wounds that were so present in literally everything for so long are scarring over and I can count those scars in lessons and not in tears.

Being alone doesn’t bother me at all anymore. It feels right for this time in my life. A recent bout of the flu started with a little loneliness because there was no one to offer relief, care or help- but no one had ever taken care of me in my adult life so well as I am taking care of me and at this moment that’s the kind of care that I need.

When you’re carrying trauma around, what is not understood by those fortunate to not have that burden, is that it physically hurts. A trigger or flashback physically feels the same as the original event. The hurt is just as bad as a physical assault. Your body hurts like you’ve been under attack, and that can lasts for days and sometimes longer. Your body doesn’t differentiate how it responds whether you’re under physical or emotional trauma- it responds the same way.

These are things that aren’t solved with affirmations and positive thinking. One well-meaning person once wrote out a list of affirmations to help me “with my confidence.” I took it and didn’t address the questions I had in my head – like “do you not think that my poor therapist had suggested something similar in the years I worked with him?” And- most importantly- would you hand a list of affirmations to someone to read to themselves who had just been physically beaten or even just had a broken leg? Would those be like “1. My ribs are not broken. 2. My nose is not bleeding! 3. I can walk just fine, and 4. I love myself. ?” Three of those are denial and the fourth is irrelevant because the physical pain is just too loud.

Can I stress this again? It’s not sad pain- I’ve broken bones and gotten concussions, including a broken rib that was the kind of pain that was unbearable. The mental and emotional trauma pain? Worse. By far. Physically worse. Then add the mental exhaustion and depression on top- it’s not fun, and if I could have at any point read a list of affirmations to myself and turned it all around and never looked back, I would have.

But the physical part, I ’ve learned, heals. Just like my broken rib that only acts up if I’m intensely working out, or my pinky finger that I broke and it kind of healed on its own, a little crooked and with no help from me. Both of these and the concussions were horse-related accidents by-the-way. There’s nothing nefarious there, just a physical trauma that has healed.

And that’s what has happened- while I’ve been working on unbecoming the things that no longer serve me, my body and brain have been healing and getting ready for what I can become again. Sure, I did a lot of inner/work to help it all out- but that’s like splinting a broken leg. The body goes to work to mend the bones and you can’t control the speed of that process. You have to trust that your body is working at it just as much as you are.

I would say that if you know someone who is working through mental or emotional trauma- you can often help in the same way you would help someone working through physical trauma. Offer to lighten their load in the ways that make sense. Offer extra help, see if they want to do things together, even grocery shopping or yard work.

Remember too, that even if you do it from the best place, be careful to not unintentionally place blame on a person for not being ok by implying that they can heal themselves if they just changed their mindset. Support their journey to healing in the same way you’d support someone with a physical wound. Lighten the load where possible, create a safe environment, and celebrate their milestones.