Mitzi’s Happy

I read somewhere to use ‘and’ instead of ‘but’, so here I am. I have been in a state of realization that I’m happy and fearful.

The more that I think about how I’ve been doing for the past x amount of years, there’s more it hits me that I’ve been making choices, like a lot of choices, based on fear.

During the chaotic parts of my life, I had come to an acceptance that I was doing what I needed to do out of what I thought was love, necessity, and then survival. The word fear wasn’t a prevalent part of that thought process until recently.

And I’m looking at this revelation objectively- more of a “oh Jeeze that’s why I did that or do that…” lense than anything else. Its a strange thing to do the forensic analysis of your own life.

This is more of an acknowledgement to a different ‘me’ than anything else.

Tonight I have a good cup of tea, my three dogs surround me (maybe a little too much) in my own house that has slowly turned into my home. There are things that I’m finding out for myself that I would have never found had I not had this season to stand on my absolute own two feet. There’s messy parts to almost every day, and sometimes those are my favorite.

Before I realized how much emotional trouble I was in, I used to tell people from an objective view that we don’t always get to choose our opportunities for growth. A lot of times, growth is self-motivated, something that was onset by a spark of passion or interest. Sometimes it comes from trauma, stress or darkness you didn’t see coming and couldn’t have prepared for. That growth is never timely, but it was just in time for me.

Here’s a picture for tax of two of my dogs- clearly on guard duty should it be needed 😀